Dear Time

I do not yet know you. The desire is there. The desire has always been there. Ever since I was a boy, I wondered what you and I could do together. I wondered where you would take me. When we were good, things were good. You saw me play with my friends and dress up as the blue ranger. You saw family vacations and basketball tournaments. There was so much hope for us. You sat from afar and allowed me to be. You allowed me to figure it out. I didn’t have to think about you because I knew you were always going to be there. I didn’t realize things would change.

You used to be so graceful. Steady. Constant. I could predict your moves and moods. With him, you were friendly and pure and I was content in what you gave me. You were honestly forgotten. Your pace was natural. I am sorry that I forgot. I didn’t know I could forget.

Now you are clumsy and erratic. You are harsh and loud and do not let me rest. I try not to think of you but your weight is overwhelming. Age has made me more skeptical of you and your intentions. Some don’t even get to experience you. Where does our relationship go from here? When will I come to know you?

You are both beautiful and horrible. You are forgiving and unfair. You are steady and unpredictable. You are the ultimate contradiction. I am both inspired by you and utterly terrified of you.

Some days I bask in you. You move fluidly within me. I am content with what you have given me and have promise for what is next. The other days are harder. I cannot feel you. I am fearful you are running away. I am losing you and others around me are losing you too. I am too worried about tomorrow while we still have today.

Should I relax and be okay with wasting you? Should I rise and do something with every moment that I have with you? What shall we do together?

This is where we are, you and me. I want you to know that I take you seriously; probably too seriously sometimes. I know you have given me this incredible gift but I also have a huge responsibility to use it. Why did you choose me for this situation and this place?  You have known me for 25 years, my sister for 27. We were just children, unconsciously spoiled with your everlasting hope of what is known as “now.” That now is today. She is married and in Europe and I am here. We were just right there and then you happened. You happened to us, both miraculously and consistently.

I am already immensely thankful for the 25.2 years you have given me. What a wonderful gift that was. I want to thank you. I want to be able to show and express more fully to you, my gratitude. You have shown me a glimpse of what happiness can look like. You have shown me what really matters to me. I want to find that again. I want to be better. I have been so much better. You are the only way there.

I want to sit with you. I want to hear what you want me to hear. We should sit together. We don’t have to talk. You don’t have to move mountains for me. I just want to know you. I want to smile for what you have given me even though it’s over. Then again, at the core of it, perhaps it’s not. I want to know you’ll be there. I want you to show up for everyone, not just the lucky ones. I do not want to fear you. I want to be very much aware you are here with me. I want that to be enough. I guess through all this loss I’ve realized you are precious to me. I want to be okay with where we are at. I won’t forget you again. 

Song of the Day: "Hold On" by Shawn Mendes