Me Too.
About 6 months ago, I went to the Emergency Room at 2:15 in the morning. I drove myself there, as I was experiencing severe chest pain. I ended up telling 1 person about the event and my diagnosis.
Sorry Mom and Dad.
“Opening up” isn’t my forte. I am insecure, I have trust issues, and I genuinely used to think people just had better things to do than listen to me. I was also closeted for 20 years. I think my therapist is on her third notepad with me.
In addition, shame, regret, and pain aren’t exactly easy topics to bring up over a weekend beer or lunch break with a coworker.
It’s embarrassing.
I wish it were different.
I’m still hurting.
I am sad.
These aren’t things that are spoken on a daily basis. I hear more (from myself) and my friends along the lines of “did you get that gif I sent” and “im fine haha its all good.”
We are missing out on the best kept secret ever: vulnerability.
**Disclaimer ** You will read the word “we” often during this post and the ones to follow. I say we because we are all humans. Imperfect humans. I am not directing the narrative at any one particular group nor am I only speaking on my behalf. I am guilty of all of this. This is a We discussion because it is a We life. If you try to do it on your own, you will fail. I promise you that. Carry on reading and being beautiful.
I think we need to fight the urge to oppress the demons and ghosts. Mine are there. They are so very there. I think we should reach back to those cobweb covered parts of us we hide from the world. Don’t live there, but look around. Know the landscape. Visit for a minute. We all want to do this, we just don’t know where to start.
We aren’t connecting. We are missing each other. We are getting fractions of each other. We are not seeing what we are meant to see. I want you to see what I see. I miss my friends. I want to connect with them. I want to connect and see into others.
What are we doing instead? What does this look like? Why don’t we share and invest in our emotions?
In the majority of the scenarios where we have the opportunity to vulnerable, we are not guilty about something. We are shameful. These are different. Guilt says I made a mistake. Shame says I am a mistake. Does that resonate with you? Do you have shame about a part of yourself?
Why is shame so easily hidden? Why can’t we see it from a cursory glance?
Typically, in a traditional sense, our vulnerability is threatened in a overly-binary set up. (Stay with me, my fellow non-binary thinkers for the purposes of this example).
As men, we cannot be seen as WEAK. We must be stoic. We must not cry. We must be in control. We must not admit to feeling pain. We must be strong and powerful. If we are not, welcome in shame.
As women, we cannot be seen as IMPERFECT. We must be the entire package. We need to be smart and beautiful. We must be compared to everyone and everything. We need to be physically and emotionally flawless. If we are not, welcome in shame.
Brene Brown talks about the concept of shame and opening up in her TEDTalk “The Power of Vulnerability.” Instead of being vulnerable, we numb our pain in vices. Lifting weights, drugs, alcohol, shopping. We all have them. We all indulge in them. We make all uncertainties certain, such as politics and religion. There is only one way of thinking and the other way is wrong. We numb the vulnerability to the opposition by making a hard stance (please refer to anyone-alive’s Facebook right now). We try to be perfect ourselves. We pretend that we don’t have any affect on each other or on the world. We pretend we are small.
This is where the vices come in. The weight lifting. The makeup and clothes. The food. Money hungry. Alcoholic. Hard headed. Gossip. Asshole. Repeat.
The thing about numbing vulnerability is that you cannot selectively numb away the things you do not want to face. You cannot only numb away the pain and the anger and the sadness and the insecurities and regrets and fears. If you numb these, you numb away gratitude. You numb happiness. You numb contentment. You numb away true joy. Trust me on this one, because I tried to do this. You cannot choose. Being vulnerable allows for everything you dream of to actually present itself as possible.
Staying silent. Secrets. Judgment. All of things are growing our shame every day. Empathy, towards others and towards ourselves. This will destroy shame. We must be vulnerable every day. We must work to destroy our shame, every single day.
Some of you may say:
“I am just not an emotional person”
“I have control over my emotions.”
“People don’t care or have time for what I say”
“Nobody can actually help me with this”
We are all overflowing with emotions. We are supposed to be. There’s a difference between controlling and suppressing your emotions. People care. People can help you. Nobody is trying to change who you are. We are trying to know you. Yeah, you! We want to know you. We all yearn for acceptance. We want the truth. We search for purpose. Let’s find that truth and purpose together.
Some people might be thinking I am decent at being open. I publicly came out 3 years ago. However, I have shame. I have met shame. A couple years ago, I thought I avoided shame altogether. I figured I was one of the lucky ones to not have to sit next to him on an airplane or get stuck with him on an elevator. -It’s Friday, Shame, we’re almost to the weekend! - (Tell me this hasn’t happened to you and I’ll call you a liar. Or you haven’t worked at Indeed).
I now know shame and we are working on our relationship. For now, in beautiful Year 25, I prefer the company of vulnerability. I prefer hanging out with vulnerability and inviting him into the spaces of my heart for just us, with my friends, and with my family. I want him with me wherever I go. It turns out he is wonderful company. We have bad days and we have good days. I’d rather have every single bad day with vulnerability than a lifetime with shame.
Invite vulnerability in to your life. You have to make the decision. You have to try. It will not be easy. I am telling you that it will not be easy. It will be uncomfortable. Let yourself be seen; not your job or your Instagram profile or your possessions. Let’s go deeper. Let’s get to the cobwebs. Let’s not fuel the shame. Let’s take a break from the vices. Let’s stop talking about the freaking weather.
I promise you will find gratitude. I promise it will feel strange and different but it will lead you closer to being you. People care about you. You matter. What you do and say and are matters. You cannot put off being vulnerable until you are perfect and unable to be embarrassed or in pain. Life will get you. It will. Trust me that it will get you.
Vulnerability is NOT weakness. Let me repeat that. Vulnerability is NOT weakness.
My Demon Checklist:
I deal with depression.
I have huge regrets
I have body image issues
See that wasn’t so bad, was it?
I have learned thousands of lessons in my life. Some were fluidly passed down from my parents, who are both brilliant in their own ways. Some were learned the hard way, with loss, and pain, and sadness. And regret.
I still live with those things. But my only answer is vulnerability. I must share. I must admit that I am wildly emotional and feel things deeply. I must discuss these things on a daily basis. They make me feel like I am alive. I hope you feel alive too. I hope you invite vulnerability in. It is okay to take a break from the vices. It is going to be a process. They will try to come back. I promise this will be worth it. You are enough. You were never meant to do any of this alone.
Always,
Derek
Song of the Day: “A Little’s Enough” by Angels & Airwaves
