Satan & His Friends

She was my rock, my shining beacon of weirdness. She laughed at my jokes and noticed me. She understood the silence and seemed to love me. She was my best friend.

It was a weekday in the fall of my third semester at Hillsdale. I was in Kendall Hall, one of our main classroom buildings. She came up to me and smiled, gave me a hug, and we starting joking around. It was the most oddly usual day. 

"See you tonight at my game?" she asked. 

"Yea of course!" I replied. 

"Oh, also I have this for you!" as she handed me an envelope with my name on it. 

The night preceding this day was the opposite of usual. I had mustered up the courage to come out to her. She was the second human in the world I had said the words "I'm gay" to, even before my parents. I don't remember how I managed to spill those words, but they came. They were honest, raw, and intense. I almost don't remember the specifics of the interaction because it was so routine. I was relieved, and it felt like I actually might wake up the next day without seeing my world destroyed. 

She told me she was proud of me and nothing would change. She gave me a long hug and the rest of the night was standard: watching tv, talking about our college teams, etc. Is this what coming out is like? Why does everyone say it's so difficult?

Back to Kendall Hall: She headed to class and I contemplated the contents of the envelope. 

It's not my birthday. Nobody died. Holy cripes, she's in love with me. I couldn't wait until after my next class. I slipped away into a crevasse of the hall and tore it open. 

A post-it note was attached that read: "This is kind of long. Read it when you aren't busy or distracted. Sooner than later. Please let me know when you do. "

The letter (verbatim): 

" Derek, I am at a loss for words what to say anymore. You are one of my best friends and I'm grateful for having you here. I don't know what I would do without you. You are an amazing person who I trust so much and can confide in. I am so happy that you can trust me as well. Ever since you have told your secret, I can't stop thinking and praying about it, or even crying about it. When I read your message I was just heart-broken. I am very right wing conservative with a strong faith base. I believe the Bible is the foundation for the Christian Life, so I couldn't grasp how someone could believe both. 

I don't know why you even told me this. I feel like I have such an extra burden to carry, and not being about to talk about it or convict you hurts me even worse. I don't know if you felt relief telling me or what your thought process was but God has helped me see why I have been placed in your life. As it says in 1 Corinthians 5:11-13, "but now I am writing to you that you must not associate with any who claim to be fellow believers but are sexually immoral or greedy, idolaters, or slanderers, drunkards or swindlers. With such persons do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked person from among you. " 

I know I am held responsible for what people do inside the faith community, and when somebody is in need to help out. I don't know why you believe what you do or why you are thinking like that, but I believe the devil is taking your mind captive and thinking impure thoughts. In Romans 1:26-27 it says "Worse followed. Refusing to know God, they soon didn't know how to be human either - women didn't know how to be women, men didn't know how to be men - all lust, no love. And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it - emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches." Also in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 it says "Don't you realize this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his Kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's Kingdom." Straight from God's word his view on your "situation", how unpure it is of you Derek. Being gay or whatever is NOT okay in the eyes of God. Today's society has created a perception of acceptance and a wrong and sick belief that it is okay. 

I don't know what made you decide this or exactly what happened, but I can't let you stray from God and the Bible. I don't know what is going on in your mind, but I wish you would talk to me about it. I think when you struggle with impurity, the one way to help turn away is by filling your mind with pure thoughts or the Bible. I don't know if you believe it's possible to change, but anything is possible through God the father. He can save you from these demons. He can grow limbs, heal the blind, make the paralyzed walk, and so much more than you could ever fathom. God is all powerful and he loves you enough to change you. 

I decided to write this because God has put me in your life for this reason and more. I have learned to realize in growing my faith that your soul is more important than our friendship. I love you more than you know. I want to help you and not judge you or think differently of you. I am working on planting this seed in you because I can help. 

You are amazing, smart and athletic. God has given you so many gifts, but Satan has taken control of you. I will be here and I will never tell anybody! I will be praying for you and this impure sin. You are one of my best friends and I will always love you. I hope we can be friends but more importantly you need to know what God has placed in my heart. "

I read the letter, pen marks running together from foolish tears. I skipped my next class, cried in my dorm, then took a nap. 

We have not spoken since.