Listen Up, Youngin'.

For the majority of my 26.3 years of life, I've held strong to the concept of respecting elders. Respect meant listening to every command. Every value was set in stone. Every lesson was impenetrable. These were not negotiable.

While I certainly have developed my own beliefs, lines of thought, and "non-negotiables," I still place an immense value on life experience. My generation of friends/colleagues tend to write off the 30-somethings and 40-somethings and beyond, for various reasons. Some say they are stuck in the past. Some say they don't understand being younger in 2017.

I find myself agreeing many times with the above frustrations (BOOMERS, I'M SORRY! KEEP READING). However, I have the utmost love and admiration for so many older individuals in my life that I cannot help but desire the same lessons I once clung to in adolescence. Yes, the world is different, and 2017 isn't 1977, and stages of life bring their own mountains to climb. That doesn't change the fact that growing pains are universal. That doesn't mean that love is no longer enough. That doesn't edit the stories of overcoming fear and circumstance. These are the stories I need to learn from. These are the cautionary tales that I desire. This is the impenetrable guidance I welcome with my open, "millennial" arms.

Due to the above thought process, I reached out to 25-30 of the adults I admire most. These are friends, family members, professionals, and overall just positive guiders in my life. I asked them all the 5 below questions:

1) What is the best piece of advice you have ever received? (this could be a quote or a general way of living, thinking, etc).

2) What would you say to your 25-year old self if you could?

3) What things stand between you and complete happiness? If you feel completely happy/content, why do you think that is?

4) What chances have you passed up on that you regret? Any places you wish you moved to or dreams you gave up on?

5) How would you describe the "20s" of your life? Is the struggle necessary for growth? Was the path clear/smooth to where you are now? What did you learn about struggle?

To say “answers varied” would be an understatement. However, much like the shared experiences we have as humans, by the end of the research the themes were clear. They were shared, persistent, and strong. These people are so damn tough. They endure and mess up and take the wrong turns. They cut corners and then regret it. They triumph and then fall on their ass. They fight back. I love them all and here’s why:

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received? (this could be a quote or a general way of living, thinking, etc).

My lord, I want to take these answers and make a freaking dreamy motivational board to recite every day.

What can I take from this? What will I change?

I will care and worry less about the bananas world I live in. It’s messy and me trying to control the weather or how people act or every event is not productive. I will trust the voice inside my head and in my belly. I will be vulnerable because the opposite only brings shame. I will radiate kindness because it’s free. I will see every situation from another lens. I will know I deserve to smile and laugh and take up space. I will take risks, and fall, and then get up again. I will communicate my feelings, and never let emotions ruin a relationship. I will explore every damn thing around me and that will be enough.  

What would you say to your 25-year old self if you could?

Pretending this is a group project.  My loved ones are around a table and coming up with one letter to write to me, at age 25. This is how it reads:

Dear Derek,

Stop comparing. Stop looking around at others. Live YOUR life. There are people who are richer and prettier and have nicer things. That’s okay. That’s for them. Cultivate what is in front of you. Take care of your body and mind and spirit. They are your vehicle in life and you only get one. You will thank yourself for that later. Be more inquisitive. Ask older people a ton of questions and learn from their intelligence and creativity. Write it down if you have to. Stop living for other people and accept the weirdo that you are. It’s so much more fun that way. Save your money and stop buying stupid shit you don’t need. Welcome your age and limitations with grace. Do not upset yourself with what you cannot do. Focus on what you can do. Better is just around the corner; the best has not yet come. Stop collecting things and collect experiences. Find your passion and travel. Get out of your bubble. Pay attention to and spend more time with your family. They will be gone sooner than you think. Keep working hard and something good will happen. Come out of the closet. It’s much brighter and wonderful out here.

Be nicer to yourself. You are so loved.

Kind Regards,

Your Tribe

What things stand between you and complete happiness? If you feel completely happy/content, why do you think that is?

How do I get happy? Where is happiness? Happiness is a conscious investment. You need to invest in your relationships. You need to be all in with what you believe in. FAMILY. Spend time with them. Enjoy them. Be proud of them. Make your own family.

Where else is happiness? Happiness is in a challenge. Test your limits. Learn to be content with yourself now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Just today, as you’re reading this. Stop listening to society and other people. You won’t find it in wealth or a job or status.

How can I be happier right now? You can be fully honest with yourself. Stop dismissing your demons and step up to face them. Accept that you are enough. You MUST let go of the past and the guilt and the shame and the grudges. They are no longer yours. Find your balance.

One of my favorite people on the planet struck a chord with happiness: “Complete happiness is not the goal; serenity is. Some days I am happy and some days I am sad and there is nothing wrong with that. Acceptance is the key to my serenity.”

What chances have you passed up on that you regret? Any places you wish you moved to or dreams you gave up on?

Everyone either lists endless regrets they have, or they list none. The truth is, it’s all choice. It’s all just a culmination of the choices we have made. We can look back on not having enough children, passing up on the promotion and not completing the degree and wonder what could have been. We could wish we would have started our own company or traveled more or got out of that shitty relationship sooner. I guess what I’m saying is regret seems like bullshit. You only have now. Playing the “grass is greener” game is not only dangerous, but it will drive you up a wall. You will never get what you want if you wallow in regret. Also, like almost all things in life, time heals. There’s also still plenty of time for you to do what you want to do. Or mend what you should have done. I’m so guilty of all of this. I’ve done it too often since college. Stop thinking about regret. It is useless. Go forward and make your real life incredible.

How would you describe the "20s" of your life? Is the struggle necessary for growth? Was the path clear/smooth to where you are now? What did you learn about struggle?

Don’t put so much pressure on defining your 20’s as the time to figure everything out. The 20’s are the time to be naive and clueless and struggle through everything. Don’t self-deprecate and call yourself a “mess.”  You have the rest of your life to be settled and have responsibilities outside of yourself. Be selfish now. There’s a reason we all feel so uneasy and confused. You don’t follow a script. I repeat, there is no script. Stop comparing. We all have a different struggle than our neighbor. The person next to you on the train or at work or at the grocery store is confused as hell too. Use this time to think about who you are and what you want. Be excited. Be unsure. Don’t define this period by losing a job or having a rough breakup. You aren’t a victim of your circumstances. You will be more whole, more content, with the acceptance of this chaos as a natural precursor to your inevitable growth. These times can be a blast if you let them. They can also be a disaster. That’s okay too. You will have pain and struggle. You will. If you don’t, it will come. Take each mistake and struggle as a building block for your future self and your future decisions. You have to go through this. Don’t skip this step. Be imperfect. Nobody can connect to perfection. Perfection creates separation, not connection. You can plan and work hard and reach success. However, that plan will change. Sometimes the hard work won’t pay off. Sometimes it will. Your success is not your neighbor’s success. Stop comparing. Struggle and yearn to learn more not because you want money or a “cool” job or to achieve. Struggle to feel more compassionate, loving, and kind. The rest will come.

To all those in your 20’s. To all those struggling with these difficult questions to answer: It’s okay if you don’t know. It’s okay if you aren’t sure where to go or what to do or what to think. I don’t either. I am going to listen to these lessons and try my best. I am going to be more still. I think we could all be more still.  If you are reading this and feeling this way: be still. You are doing well. You will be there, the place that you desire. You will be teaching the youngins.

Who is your tribe? Who do you want to answer these questions?