The Eve of the Eve.
I don't normally quick-post. I draft, and throw away, leave for months, revisit, and edit, and all that jazz. Not tonight.
Currently I am sitting on the back porch of my parent's new home in Jacksonville, FL. It's an absolutely gorgeous home. It's painted a delicately soft baby-blue color with modern & nautical interior design and square footage that would make any New Yorker cry. I am sipping on a beer by myself. It's quiet here. I am not accustomed to much quiet in my life.
When I am alone, I am not really alone. I have the people I love and miss with me at all times, and the thoughts in my head. I have made friends with them, I have accepted my analytical, rambunctious mind as a desirable part of who I am. However, it leaves me with difficulty in living in the moment. I live in the future, or the what ifs, and the maybes. These aren't productive, being that they aren't real.
Right now I am having trouble with living in the moment. I don't feel all here. My body is very much here and my heart has always been partly in Florida, but my conscience seems to be trying to divide itself and take off. Scrolling through Instagram, I realized how every single person's reality is different yet our experiences are so very equal. Everyone is posting about their crazy family scrambling to meal prep in the kitchen, or seeing christmas lights in any given city. They are last minute shopping at Target or at a local bar with high school friends. They are traveling great lengths to get back to their comfort. They are in Paris or Tulsa or Orlando or Nowheresville, Indiana (Unconfirmed if this is a real place but I wouldn't be shocked). Some are doing the opposite. Some are cashiers in busy stores, working overtime. Some are traveling to foreign countries to help out those in need. Some are spending time with friends instead of family gatherings. How did they choose to do this, and why? Is it about fun or store-bought stuff or Jesus or family or charity? It's overwhelming and clouded.
I want to be here on this calm evening, with wifi and a blog to write. I also want to be with my friends in MIlwaukee or my boyfriend in Texas. I want to be traveling to see my sister in Greece, and also working to further my career. I want to donate my time to those who need it more than me. I want to feel love and give love.
Isn't that what we all want? To travel to great lengths to accept love and give it out in abundance?
I can't figure out the best way to parse my time. I do not know where to stay and where to go. On this Christmas Eve eve, I see everyone everywhere heading towards love. Cities across America (and some in Europe) are flooded with people. In this vice-covered holiday, cookies and gifts and decorations steal the show.
Don't forget to breathe. Don't forget to stop wishing you were somewhere else. I am going to stop wishing I was anywhere else. I am on a back porch writing a blog, and I am here to give and receive love. I hope you can too, wherever you are.
