Orpheus
Historically, it’s a little early to reflect on the calendar year. Your feed is probably filled with halloween costumes and complaints about the cold weather or the impeached imbecile. All of that is still present, but my attention has been elsewhere. When I really take the time to reflect on the last 365 days, I am amazed at all the incredible things that have happened. The amount of joy I have felt is more than ever. In parallel, I have never felt more confusion or worry or had more questions unanswered.
Turning the chapter back, the abundance of life events in just a short amount of time is astounding. I got engaged to a beautiful soul, one that my heart was searching for since I can remember. I became an uncle and I have watched my niece beautifully grow from afar, as well as two separate trips to Greece to visit her. I saw too many broadway shows to count. My dad’s coaching dream of winning a state championship was fulfilled, one that I got to witness in person. I experienced my best friends getting engaged and married. I left some toxic and vapid friendships behind. I met and became closer with my future in-laws, who are now my family. I started planning a wedding. I saw Sara Bareilles and Ben Platt and Maggie Rogers in concert and re-discovered my love of music. I left a job that was great for my bank account but perpetually dreadful to my mental health. I moved to Colorado. I bought a car.
This isn’t a list to boast or brag or write a saturated list of “25 things I am grateful for” but rather to step back. I have been taking the morning to scramble through my camera roll (a millennial's guide to what the hell is happening) and I am truly overwhelmed. I’ve experienced more in the last year, in terms of beautiful life events, than most do in a decade or lifetime.
Why? Why me? And why all very recently?
Privilege. The people around me. Things out of my control. I want to give credit to the randomness and the luck and the opportunity, but also to give myself the credit for the circumstances under which I had control. Part of growing up, I realize, is being able to say “hey, this was a good thing, and let’s celebrate that!” Otherwise, none of this is worth it.
Two consistent principles made this past year, and particularly in the past two months, entirely mine and entirely happy.
One. Everything in your life is a deliberate choice. The friends with which you spend your time. The wardrobe you wear every day. What you do with your disposable income. How and where you get to work. It’s easy to pin your daily life on a choice you made years ago or who you were before or what happened to you that one time that you haven’t dealt with. The more empowering, the more liberating thought, is to believe and treat EVERY miniscule choice as your own. What you do with those free twenty minutes and the friend you get coffee with and your attitude as you walk into your work place all matter. They matter because your choices make you. Each individual, day by day, minute by minute choice you make determines who you are. You own those, they are yours. Making the choices you want to make will make you into the “you” you are trying to find. That is your responsibility and do not blame anyone (or credit anyone) but yourself for that.
Two. Fear is not real. I don’t mean in the sense that people are not afraid of legitimate things. Heights aren’t my favorite. I am terrified of sharp knives. My biggest fear is being buried alive.
However, that every day fear that keeps us trapped in boxes and circumstances and our own surroundings is NOT real.
As an example, over time I told my friends and coworkers about the move to Colorado. They were elated and inquisitive and generally so supportive. The majority response, in contrast, was “Wow I could NEVER do that!”
Our fears of the balance of our 401k and our next paycheck are not imaginary, but they are not necessary. Our fears of the distance between friends or the next employer worrying about a job gap are not made up, but they do us no good. I was just as equipped as the inquirers to move to three different states in 5 years. Fear is truly an illusion. When you take the scary out of the equation, it’s just a series of choices. Choices that YOU can make right now. Not when the time is right or when your circumstances are different. Now. Because you can, and because it’s fearless.
I just wanted to take a look back. I wanted to marvel at all the joy this year has given me. I want to analyze the roots I have planted to prepare me for the next hardship that will undoubtedly come. I want to stress to myself, and to anyone else, that the life you see right now, the life you are living, is nobody else’s but your own. Making choices every day to honor yourself and rid the fear you feel inside will liberate you and unlock a life you didn’t know was possible. Hardship or challenge comes? Make a decision. A beautiful opportunity arises? Make a decision. Let go and grab the life you want, choice by choice.
Song of the day: Orpheus - Sara Bareilles
