(Un)Comfortable.

I haven't written in awhile. Like 8-9 months.

I could come up with a million excuses but honestly I fell in love, been admittedly "busy" with work, and it hasn't been a priority. It almost feels like I have been too happy to write.

Historically, ideas are flowing and I have so much emotion and metaphysical questioning happening , and that is simultaneous to being sad.

I want to get away from that mindset, as it's not productive and honestly feeding into that shit of deepening the sadness no longer works for me.

When people ask me how I am, I answer honestly. I say I'm struggling when I am. I say I'm happy as hell when I am having a great week. Right now my honest answer has nothing to do with the weather. I say "I am comfortable in myself."

I am comfortable in my skin and body. I do not have a 6 pack because I am no longer a college athlete, and that's okay. I move my body and fitness challenges me. I love working out with my fiancé and trying new classes.

I am comfortable in my pain. My coming out process and my first love break up and some challenging friendships have tested my resiliency. I know the pain is still there and will never be "gone." It never should be. I am comfortable admitting the pain is present and some days are harder than others.

I am comfortable in my purpose. I am comfortable not having a grasp on my highest passion and wondering what is next. I am comfortable knowing I am meant for something greater than current day but also comfortable in the process of it not yet being time for me.


I am comfortable with the people in my life. I am comfortable with who has left and who has come as a surprise and no longer take it personally when people do not have time for me. Their journey and battles are different than mine and I truly believe the characters in my story are perfect for where I am today.

I am comfortable in my habits and my likes. I know what I want my Friday night to look like, and when I am most energized and how vital sleep and the choices of where I spend my time are.

Things I am working on being more comfortable with: How I'm using my privilege as a greater voice. How I can be a better friend and son and uncle and fiancé. How I can determine the best day to day routine for my mental and physical health.

The phrases I hear a lot in conversations are:

"I'm a mess"

"Everything is horrible right now"

"I don't know what to think anymore"

All of these are okay but the beauty of growing up comes in the black and white becoming more grey. We ebb and flow and accept ourselves. I truly believe it's one of the few ways we can actually be happy. I think coming to terms with not only our path but our rate of progress is vital to our current state.

I don't equate accepting yourself as just being a POS, lay on your butt, victim of life. I treat it as just the opposite. Accepting yourself and your comfort in who you are allows room for that growth you've been waiting for. It allows potential to overcome problematic behaviors. As much as I could easily freak out over how much I have left to overcome and accomplish, I could just as easily praise myself for the position I am right now.

I am comfortable and I feel really good about that.